I’m going to love you forever, I’ll always be here.
Change is invetivtable. So is inertia. Growth is constant; habits the same. We all fear different, but different never really comes does it? I spend so much time trying to keep everything comfortable, but I’m never comfortable. Yes, things today are unlike yesterdays things: my body, my office, the faces of everyone I consider close, I am always rotating these things out, swapping them for a newer model, but I’ve come to realize there is no such thing. There are only cycles.
I am a flatlander running an mobius strip. I think I’m moving forward, progressing, going somewhere different than what’s behind me, but it’s in front of me, and now I’m miserable again. It happens, from time to time. Depends on how fast I’m running.
But each time it comes, it hurts a little less, because I know there is good just over the horizon.
And when the good comes, give me awhile. Behind my grin I will know that the storm is approaching.
So then why do it? Why get out of bed? Life is on repeat, and this song is dramatic and cheesy and turn it the fuck off.
Well I don’t, because I lie to myself. People who took their own lives are simply bad liars. I can kid myself. I can hope that things will be different. This is why I do anything, why I show up for work, why I write this words that ten people will read, because I think I’m doing something. At least, I like to think that, and it feels nice to think that, and everyone else around me is doing the same.
Maybe that is the point; to help everyone’s illusion. If I make you laugh, then I suspend your disbelief and mine. Because surely this warmth you feel in your stomach means something, and surely I matter because I helped you. It doesn’t, but surely.
So is life pointless? Without a doubt in my mind, pointless and rediculous. Maybe that’s not so bad though. Humans are the only creatures who become frustrated at a question that does not have an answer, and not all questions will. Or they do, and we are dissappointed.
I am sad today because I continue to ask why, and why me, and why show up and wake up and fuck up, and the answer is cliche and terrible and horrible: why not?
So let’s trick each other with words like forever and always be here and let’s kiss and hug and fuck because everyday we face eternity and every day we hate what we see and that’s okay because I’m going to love you forever, I’ll always be here.
